Flying the Flag

"We're flying the flag all over the world, we're flying the flag for you." I wouldn't want you to think, dear reader, that I 've been slacking off during my stay at Castle Rhino in the U.K. Tonight, I have been GLUED to the TV, watching the nail-biting (I use those italics advisedly) sing-off to choose Britain's entry for that red-letter event in every music-lover's calendar, the Eurovision Song Contest. My French readers should be proud to hear that one of their countrywomen, the very pretty and silver-tonsilled Cyndi - who now appears to live in Wales, doubtless for a good reason - made it to the final two, beating off (frankly pretty poor) efforts from former Atomic Kitten Liz McClarnon and East17's Brian Harvey (a man who, lest we forget, once managed to run himself over). But once Scooch hit the stage, you knew it was all over. Choreography featuring drinks-trolleys, the emergency-exits routine and a steward asking "Would you like something to suck on landing, sir?" - well, it couldn't get much more camp, could it? Plus, there's a certain desperation about them. The girls have that hard-as-nails, "eyes 'n' teeth" glamour that comes from working on too many cruise ships, the blonde guy has obviously been hitting the biscuit barrel and the other fella would make the MC in Cabaret look butch. This is their last shot and they know it. Glorious, I love them. Watch it here - and roll on May 12 and U.K. victory. Mind you, not everyone agrees. Here's Matt's view of the proceedings :-) P.S. While we're on a showbiz note, guess who I bumped into on the Eurostar? Think tall, think Texan, think Tom and... well, I won't spoil it, send me your answers on a postcard...

Double Whammy

• Morrissey in Eurovision Talks (BBC): I know, I know, I love him too, but it would just be SO wrong, wouldn't it? After all he's done, I couldn't bear to see him finish behind some Maltese boyband. Because, as we all know, Eurovision is no great respecter of talent. I could just about cope with him writing it, but someone with a much more mainstream pop sensibility (I'm thinking Cathy Dennis) would be a better choice, I suspect. If you can hear me, Mr. Morrissey, DON'T DO IT, you don't need to. Ask Sandie.
• Apple Unveils iPhone (CNN): This, on the other hand, has got me virtually w*tting my pants. One can only hope that it will be astronomically expensive so that people will gasp even more loudly when I whip it out. Because, naturally, there's NO WAY I'll be able to survive without one. Whaddya mean I've just bought a new phone? This is not about technology people, this is about lifestyle, this is about living the dream. Help me, Naomi Klein.
  

Lordi!!

There were tears and gnashing of teeth at Rhino75 Towers last night and it was all because of these guys. Oh yes. Because, dear reader, this is the group that won the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. Can you believe it? The Buffyfication of one of the major events on the camp calendar. Outrageous. I love Finland and there's a place (I'm sure) for a KISS tribute band but it's not Eurovision. And what made it worse was that this year, for the first time in AGES, there was actually a - relatively - good crop of entries. My fellow juror Micke and I, in between mouthfuls of pizza and gulps of red wine, both managed to vote for Sweden's "Invincible" performed by that fabulous old Eurovision trooper Carola. The wind machine, the trowelled make-up, the outrageous frock, the belting voice - *textbook* ESC and surely a natural winner. Russia's amazingly tacky entry also had its merits (cute guy who could jump very high) and even the U.K.'s entry wasn't that embarrassing (for once). France, however, narrowly avoided a "nul points" disaster - they did change the song from the original selection (good thing) but replaced it with, to paraphrase Mr. Wogan, the same song they've been singing since 1977 (bad thing). And the poor girl looked as if she was hating every minute and couldn't wait to get back to her hairdressing job. Anyway after such irrefutable proof that there is no Eurovision god, what could I do but head off to my friend Amy's birthday party and drown my sorrows? Until 6 a.m. this morning. Yes, I think you can imagine how great I'm feeling today. But it was worth it - great fun, loadsa booze and the opportunity to dance (well, hobble in my case) to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love".
P.S. If you're after a glimpse of life in the wings at Eurovision, I recommend you hop across to Troubled Diva's report here. Great stuff!

We have nothing to fear...

Britons, we can rest easy in our beds!! The French have once again (my italics) demonstrated their tin ear in selecting a Eurovision Song Contest (ESC) entry that sounds like a Yannick Noah album track (because yes, dear reader, in France Yannick is better known as a peddler of sub-standard reggae-tinged choons musician than as a tennis player). To their credit, they selected a pleasantly perky young hairdresser (yes, really, according to France3's website) with a nice voice to sing it, even though a toad would have been equally effective in performing the two-note melody. And then they moan about not having won the darn thing for a thousand years. I don't know why but the French just don't seem to "get" the ESC, they might as well be Malta (no offence but c'mon) for the way they seem to think that if they buck contemporary music trends - I'm talking the last 20 years here - for long enough, the wheel will eventually come back round to them. No, no and NO! Still, hopefully, all this will mean that Britain is in with a bit more of a chance.....? Click on the banner to go to the official ESC site and check out the competition...

The Winner Takes it All...

Yup, Helena Paparizou, a sort of Greek Beyoncé (who lives in Sweden), won with "No. 1" - I have to say the jury in MY sitting room was not terribly impressed. I was rooting for the Latvian boys (the sign language thing, does it every time, reminds me of a misspent youth spent watching VisionOn) while my fellow jurors were split between Bosnia and Serbia (typical). Anyway, all very underwhelming, and further evidence, if any were needed, of the Balkanisation of the ESC. I think it's scandalous that such Eurovision stalwarts as Ireland, the Netherlands and Italy didn't make it through. To see the scores on the board, click here and then go to the Scoreboard section. I'm going to bed.

Ding-a-dong every hour...

...when you see a flower etc. etc. Hallelujah! It's Eurovision time again. The BBC had the bright idea of asking past contestants (including Sonia and Jay Aston of Buck's Fizz!!) for their memories of the contest (see here). The first winner that really made an impression on me was "Après Toi/Come What May" sung by Vicky Leandros, representing Luxembourg - she had a little bit of a mullet, droopy eyelids and a fondness for chokers, as I recall (they were very "in" at the time.) In fact, I blame Vicky and fellow Luxembourg songstress Anne-Marie David for starting a lifelong obsession with glamorous women, long frocks and overwrought ballads (well, I have to blame someone). Anyway, for what it's worth, here's my Eurovision Top 10:

1. "Waterloo" by ABBA (because there will only ever be one Fab Four for me)
2. "Hallelujah" by Milk & Honey (for the sexy Israeli men)
3. "Tu te reconnaîtras" by Anne-Marie David (for the drama)
4. "Save Your Kisses for Me" by the Brotherhood of Man (for the dance)
5. "Boom Bang A Bang" by Lulu (for Lulu, gotta love her)
6. "Ein bisschen Frieden" by Nicole (because I could play it on the guitar)
7. "Take Me to Your Heaven" by Charlotte Nilsson (the very essence of Eurovision)
8. "Making Your Mind Up" by Bucks Fizz (for the skirts and Mike's hair)
9. "L'Oiseau et l'Enfant" by Marie Myriam (because I could understand the words)
10. "Congratulations" by Cliff Richard (for Sir Cliff's Austin Powers suit)